Circles and such...

..."I am an advocate, of my own dissillusionment"...(from the hit untitled song by yours truly.......anyway......i just took a shower, and noted to self my previous post. The thoughts and ideas streamed in a frenzy too quikly for just one man to capture the entire process. Perhaps I should "outline" my intentions. That would be silly. Last night I went over to the Beard's, 'cause Dennis was home for Thanksgiving, and we chatted of old Sterling day's, paper's and choir tours and the likes. Some how the topic of outlining papers came up. We both surmised that this never helped us. For me, as far as college comp class went, I had to just sit down and start writing; sure having a bunch of notes and facts helped, but if I worked on outlining, I would never begin. The irony, is I think this would help me get my thoughts across now. What a contradiction I can be. As I typed that last sentence, I think I now remember that that was what I could not stop thinking about whilst I showered. Contradicitons....Am I a "walking contradiction"? The signs seem to point towards yes. Even the fact that I am writing this, seems to be an indiction, for I feel sometimes with my words, and being silly, i'm only betraying myself, and what I'd really say, If I knew nobody would ever read this (not that many of you are). Perhaps I've gone about this whole process wrong. It seems to me that one of the themes from high school and college was, "Plan Ahead, cause if you don't have a plan you'll end up sitting around, wishing you did".....okay I don't know if that was the actual theme, but it seems like it was. Or maybe it's because I am doing just that, sitting around thining about what I should have planned out so I wouldn't be here, at 26 living with the folks, wondering were I went wrong, or if under the guidance of God, if I could have even went "wrong". And were is the proof of the contradiction? Well, I don't know why I'm writing this crap. This seems like it's leading to places were it would be easier to just file in a corner just for me, but I've started it, andwill finish. I think this whole thing is silly, because the point of writing things like this, is to get your thoughts down, so you understand them better.....not to share them with friends and strangers, so they'll think....."wow, that guys has gotgot some good points"....maybe i shouldn't have sent links to this non sense in the first place.
Balance, moderation..........these words are keys............The more you get into anything, music, books, movies, the more you know, the more you want to be a part of that lifestyle, creating your own music, your own books, your own movies....but there always seems to be that question, lightly tapping you on the head..."what are you doing this for?" Is it an outlet? Are you REALLY artistically inspired, or do you just want to be cool? Isn't that more of the age old question, even more-so than the ominous "what's the meaning of life". Everything we do seems to to beg the question, what are my motives, what ARE MY MOTIVES? Too make money, to be happy, to please God, to "walk" with God?
So as I write this, once again, I've failed miserablly to adhere to any form, to any semblence of structure, but I keep thinking for some reason...."do not edit, do not go back and read this, leave it as it is" I don't know why........have a nice day