What if my existence truly is my gift?  This thought really changes one's perspective.  I'm imagining children who never live past five.  Was that a gift any less than a 94 year old woman?  Perspective trumps everything it seems tonight.

New rotors and break bads, 5 hours later, 230 dollars cheaper!

It's almost midnight, and I'm quite exhausted.  I have a feeling though, that unless I get some of these thoughts down, sleep will be futile.  They aren't big, remarkable thoughts, just something I think is necessary in this moment.  The moment is all we have, and I'm feeling pretty nostalgic.  I've began to worry about the end of my child welfare "career".  Yes, I am done with reintegration, but I am not ready to leave the cases that have attached to my brain like a tick waiting to be pulled off.

It was probably a mistake to listen to Johnny Cash's version of NIN's "Hurt" around "bedtime".  It was probably a mistake to follow it up with Trent Reznor's version.  I just took a shower and the idea of writing about all my kids, and all their hurts and problems set to the music was pretty emotional.  I of course then couldn't stop thinking about the ethical limits to what I could write, and if I would write it on facebook even if I did.  Maybe I could get away with it on this site, I mean I haven't had a post in 5 freaking years until the other night! 

I kind of like the idea of this little blog again.  It's public, but forgotten and pretty much tucked away in the corners of the web.  With my bio-polar stance on "blogging" and really doing anything self promoting or self expressionistic on the internet.....well, it's just kind of nice.

I'm wearing headphones and listening to my tempermental ipod.  Shuffle is doing good tonight.  I needed to keep the jams going, but needed to get "Hurt" out of my head before sleep.  Maybe with the demise of my job, I will keep writing for what purpose I don't know yet but it feels good at the moment for what that's worth.  It won't be for formulating proper sentence structure, I can tell you that! 

Tonights playlist on my brain:
Johnny Cash "hurt"
NIN "hurt"
Mewithoutyou "in a Market Dimly Lit"
Cush "the smallest part"

Saturday I am sitting on a bed and listening to a.m. radio.

Holy tomatoes I had abandoned most hope I'd ever write on this forsaken blog again.  Alas! I remembered the username/password combination.  (roars from adoring fans)

So....child welfare?  Ya, last 3 years mostly. 

What do you think about the system Andy?

I don't have novel time until July, then I will be laid off, and I will have time.  Having motivation..that's another issue!

Tidings.

night musings...

...you know those kind of people who use a lot of exclamation points when they write something about themselves, but you just can't picture them in real life actually saying anything that would necessitate an exclamation point?

...through the generations, people still cirlce the wagons in social settings completly unaware of the glaring the backs make at those on the outside...

...the similarities with me, chuck klosterman, and lloyd dobbler are ludicriss...

you see the present,
a stadium full of fire,
life gleaming for the now
I see a stadium full of fire
set out to the ocean,
for a viking funeral

never ending comings-and-goings,
perpetual motion
is quite possible
when realized it's not things
but people.

In Time

If the fount be too shallow
If the shadows be too ominous
let the light, the rays of hope
fill all the extremities...